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EUROCANDY ©2003 Mr. Nice Guy
It's the little differences that matter. Like nine types of dippin' sauce for your pomme frites, drinking in public parks, two dollar coins, crappy showers, the WC, salads made from the stomachs of little birds, dog shit everywhere, accordions everywhere, cigarettes everywhere, and nary a SUV to offend the eye. Fuck the museum, this shit is important!

Nestle Lion: There are two types of Lion style chocolate bars, but I only managed to sample the "New Sensation". It was a bit melty, and the configuration of chocolate, caramel, wafers, and peanuts just wasn't doing it for me, despite the fierce illustration and the Euro-flare of the whole thing. Not all great tastes necessarily go great together. Must be big, though, cuz every store had 'em from Italy to Holland. 1,10 €
Mordicchio Croccante: Coming from the San Carlo group in Milano, this is your classic peanut-brittle bar. Good stuff if you've got a sweet tooth to fix but aren't really feeling the chocolate. Less salty and more crunchy than a Payday. Well worth your ,80 €
Twix Top: You can imagine how thrilling it was to see the German Twix variation at the Gastronomia in Firenze. It is large bottom layer of cookie crunch topped with a thin strip of twix style caramel and chocolate. Twix with thrice the cookie. Since my return to the States, Mars has released a bevy of products in this style called "Cookies & " either Twix or Milky Way or whatever. A nice, light snack. Eat four or five at a time. And all at a reduced price of ,50 €
Tronky: This 'nuovo' candy bar consists of 'morbido' and 'croccante', which must be Italian for chocolate-like paste inside a flavorless brown wafer shell. Although it reminded me of glue filled styrofoam, it is still worth getting just because you get to ask some dude for a Tronky. "Duo Tronky, por favore." Gnome sane.
Bounty: There are two types of American tourists in Europe; those that think Bounty is just an AlmondJoy without almonds, and those who think Bounty is just a Mounds with milk instead of dark chocolate. The thing is even in two separate sections. Unless Bounty was here before Almond Joy and Mounds. So, in conclusion, if you like coconut bars and are in Italy or France, get a Bounty. ,80 €
Crunch Snack: Nestle best be creatin' up a whole grip of these to get shipped over to my local convenience store cuz this is one damn good idea. Simply a snickers-sized Crunch bar with some chewy caramel laid-down towards the top. Now available in the US, but with the innovative name of Nestle Crunch with Caramel. ,80 €
Nougatti: Now, I like nougat as much as the next guy, but this is just too much. It was that hard, white kind of nougat that you have to chew for about 10 minutes before you can swallow it. There are some hazelnuts in there and it is dipped in chocolate, but my jaw hurt before I was halfway through. Nougatti is a really Italian sounding name. I got your Nougatti right here! ,80 €
Kinder Bueno: This one cost me a whole Eurobuck at a train station vending machine, but that was a deal cuz this is one of the best candy bars, Ever! A chocolate wafer, topped with nutella-like hazelnut cream, wrapped in milk chocolate, then drizzled in dark chocolate. A case of these is worth the price of airfare alone! Some serious gourmet shit! 1,00 €
Nestle Nuts: Damn , those silly Europeans sure love the hazelnuts. This is a Mars bar with hazelnuts instead of almonds. I liked Nuts. I liked Nuts a lot. Check out the plain yellow wrapper that says "Nuts' in red. I wish I had some Nuts in my hand right now. I should've smuggled some Nuts back with me. Hehe. Between Nestle Nuts and KitKat Balls, Italy has your testicle-sounding candy on lock-down. ,80 €
Daim: Milk Chocolate with a crunchy caramel/ toffee center - tastes and looks just like a Heath bar. Nothing special, but not at all bad. Plus some bonus points for staying crunchy and unmelted after a day or two in my backpack. Mon deu, Daim in le chateau.! ,90 €
Duplo: Yet another wafer, chocolate, hazelnut cream combo, this time in three little chambers, each with a hazelnut. It was good, but just didn't have the gourmet flavor of the Beuno. You can get a Duplo at just about every store or train station vending machine in Italy and France. Just don't get on the wrong train or your Eurail pass will be worthless and the conductor might make threatening gestures at the train schedule. 1,00 €
Nestle Bros: Leave it to those zany Dutch to come up with something special like this. "Melk chocolade" with hundreds of tiny air bubbles! Like a chocolate sponge, but not all soft. Light, airy, and delicious. I've never had anything like it. They are so far ahead of us in Holland. That settles it, I'm moving. ,80 €
Cadbury Nuts About Caramel: Muthafuckin' milk chocolate filled with gooey caramel and - what, what? - hazelnuts. I'm just not a big fan of Cadbury chocolate. Maybe it was those cream eggs at Easter. Considering the plethora of hazelnut injected chocolate bars currently available throughout Europe, I'd hold out for something else. ,90 €
Kinder Country: This is a cute little candy bar you can buy at the 'supermarche' by the case or in singles. A tiny, flat bar that is divided into ten squares. Milk chocolate with not 3 but 4 types of cereals mixed inside. Of course, rather than crunchy cereals, they are of the stale variety. Even at the bargain price of ,40 €, they still aren't worth the hassle of dealing with the French store clerk .
Milka Nussini: The Milka brand bars come in Lilac wrappers, so you can easily avoid them. The Nussini, containing stacks of choco-wafers topped with crushed hazelnuts surrounded by chocolate, was by far the closest to tolerable of
the three. It had that light, crispy texture like Gaugin-Van Gogh, and the hazelnuts give it just enough Euro- flare. Not that bad. ,90 €
Milka Leo: A Kit-Kat knock-off with coffee flavored filling between wafers. Not a bad idea, but one taste and it is obvious why this shit won't ride stateside. It was less of a coffee flavor than a stale coffee grinds flavor. And, damn it people, wafers need to be crispy. I can't emphasize this enough. Nothing worse than a soggy wafer, unless, of course, it's slathered in faux coffee flavored filling. Uggghh. ,90 €
Milka Lila Pause: Just thinking about this atrocity gives me the creeps, the willies, and the heebie-jeebies. "Milk Chocolate with Alpine Milk filled with strawberry filling covered with crispy wafer pieces." This candy bar speaks the international language of nausea. It has gotta be the nastiest chocolate bar in the world! You know when you burp and kind of puke a little and then swallow it. That's what I'm talkin 'bout. The only bar I couldn't finish. I really can't emphasize how gross this tasted. I'd sooner import a case of foot 'n mouth disease. ,90 €
Cadbury's Crunchie: You can sometimes find these 'milk chocolate with golden honeycombed centre' at your local snooty grocery store. It might be worth it just because it is a bit different than the usual american stuff. It may not be worth it. I'm not feeling very confident about endorsing the Cadbury at this moment. Maybe next issue. ,90 €
Cadbury's Snow Flake: Crumbly folds of a white chocolate substance in Cadbury's own version of milk chocolate. This is miserable wretch is bloody terrible. I'm just no fan of white chocolate. In fact, I'd go as far as to say I'm a supporter of chocolate segregation. I'm embarrassed that I ate the whole thing. 1,00
Cadbury Picnic: I find it odd that with some of the Cadbury candy, such as Snow Flake, the package say's Cadbury's, with the 's to imply ownership; While with the Picnic, it is just Cadbury. These are the kind of thoughts that enter your head at about hour seven on the sleepless flight. A chewy 'centre' of caramel, crisped rice, peanuts, and raisins surrounded by good ol' milk chocolate. Jolly good, old chap. Jolly, jolly good. Righty-oh. 1,00
Cha-Cha: All right, I'll level with you; I bought this thing my last day in Europe and didn't eat it until I got home. I didn't write a review then and I don't remember a thing about it now. All those mixtures of hazelnut flavoring blur in my memory anyhow. ?
PouCain: "Nouveau" from France, "PouCain" with "chocolat noir extra-fin". "Noir noisette orange, aux pepites a l'orange." For all of you who don't "par-lay fran-say", 'chocolat' means chocolate, and 'orange' means orange. That is all the translation you'll need to avoid this sucker like "le plague" . 1,10
Dove Caramel: Why, oh why, can't we have this product on the candy shelves of my local convenience store right now?! I can just imagine it now: Two bars of rich, velvety Dove chocolate with pockets of smooth, sexual caramel. Oh gyeah! Alas, I'll have to settle for dipping a regular Dove bar into a pot of hot caramel. Man, I have it so tough. Curses for not bringing more of these back with me. Curses! 1,10
sorry, no image
 Kit Kat Chunkie: Is just Euro talk for a KitKat Bigkat (review in Mr. Nice Guy issue #16). It is a good example of how European sub-products are often assimilated into America with different names and bolder, more obnoxious packaging. This happened with the Crunch Snack and Twix Top between my Eurotrip last year and Nice Guy right now.
  More reviews coming soon of candy from Czech Republic, Germany, and India! Bookmark, muthafucker!
   

Special thanks to Narangkar, Dave Clement of Provance, Jerome and Vanessa is Bruxelles, Independent Outlet skate shop & Cafe Little in Amsterdam, Casa Latina in Marseille, Amy & Alberto in Firenze, Celeste, Grif, & Epo for holding down the fort, and everyone else. This article originally published in Mr. Nice Guy # 18 (©2003) - to order a copy, send two bucks CASH (ppd.) to:

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