Nice Guy Online - New Soda Reviews

from Mr. Nice Guy #18: NEW SODA REVIEWS

The Nice Guy Journal of Junk Food Research Team collides head-on with some of the new soft drink beverages made available since the last time. Using only the strictest scientific techniques, we bring you indisputable critiques of these unprecedented innovations in bubbly, colored sugar water.

"I have decided to omit any type of rating system, for I feel each soda has to be evaluated independently and uniquely. The sodas were reviewed over several days and each with a clear palette. I drank at least 4 oz. of each beverage, poured into a clear glass for enhanced appearance observation. I wrote the reviews during the tasting sessions. I sampled these soft drinks so you wouldn't have to. I'm very serious about this. Do not try this at home. Sincerely, "

- Dr. Burns of the Nice Guy Institute

Pepsi Holiday Spice - Dropping like a piss-poorley planned invasion of a foreign country, Pepsi Holiday Spice swoops in for a limited time in late 2004. Not limited enough if you ask me. And let us not fool ourselves about it being a "holiday" product... this one is all about Christmas, baby. You can take that politically correct bullshit over to Hawaiian Punch. Anyways, this product delivers the nasty flavor you've come to expect from new Pepsi products, plus an extra dash of "spice" to give that extra punch in the throat you deserve for buying this garbage.
Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anybody.

RC Edge - RC presents us all with "Maximum Power Cola", containing caffeine, taurine, and indian ginseng. Prepare for some teeth grinding, cuz this bile will definitely put you on the edge of your seat... the toilet seat, that is. Some seriously nasty flavor here, folks. This shit even smells bad. I'm a pretty big believer in the whole caffeine thing, but the life-enhancing components of this sewage makes for an uncomfortable few hours. Besides, look at these celebrities; We can hardly pay our bills, and they're drinking Royal Crown Cola!

new levels of patheticness:
the Diet Coke with Lemon fan club website

Diet Coke with Lemon - This tastes like soap with no discernible flavor of lemon at all. I'm willing to bet you know somebody with an unhealthy Diet Coke habit. If you work in an office building, you probably know several fuckers who've already opened a can of it by 10am. "Oh, I'm trying to cut it back to only 3 a day." They'd probably like this swill. Hell, you're probably one of 'em... reading this with a Diet Coke in your other hand right now. You would probably like this shit! Well, you make me sick. You know that. Sick to my stomach!

click here for promotional bullshit
about Pepsi Twist and -wince- Diet Pepsi Twist

Pepsi Twist - Lemon flavored Pepsi, also available in -wince - Diet. You know there are spies between Coca-Cola Inc and PepsiCo, or else that is one amazing fucking coincidence that this shit and Lemon Coke were released in the same month. I'm surprised we didn't see a 7-up with lemon. It tastes like Pepsi, which is to say it tastes of the backwash at the bottom of the dog's bowl. Let us pray that this marks the end of cola plus lemon trend. In summary; The only worse can that could possibly be opened would be the can of whoop-ass I'd be opening on you should I ask for a soda and you give me this piss cocktail.

Jolt White Lightnin' - First off, this soda isn't white. It is clear. The name "Clear Lightnin" falls a bit flat, doesn't it? How about "Clear and Present Danger" or "I Can Clearly See Your Nuts", or perhaps "Transparent Trauma". I could keep on like this for a while. This is a grape soda that, while not being purple, is nonetheless vile and loathsome. I suppose the flavor is comparable to any other shitty grape soda. And healthy people will be glad to know that this product is made with natural caffeine. Thank goodness, I was getting worried all this soda might be bad for me.

other Jolt flavors include:
Original, Electric Blue, Red Eye,
Cherry Bomb, and Citrus Climax

Jolt Orange Blast - There was a time when Jolt Cola was this rare thing. Finding a can at some out-of-the-way corner store was the stuff of urban legends. Liquid gold for a twelve-year-old. I guess that's just a bygone era that no one seems to remember except me. So, this shit has a -ahem- flavor somewhere between Tang and Pine-Sol. It was quite an ordeal just getting a few sips down. No deposit; No return. And there are other luminescent colored Jolts as well which you would do well by not consuming. Somebody's poisoned the water-hole.

Sierra Mist - What ever happened to Surge? Remember those commercials where they yell, "Suuuuuurrrrge!" Whoa, somebody's livin' in the past. Comtemperise, man. Mist is the lemon-lime of the future. It ain't cool, it ain't refreshing, and it ain't ever gonna be tasted by my lips again. And since I'm done telling you what it ain't, then I'll tell you what it am... some extremely unpleasant shit. I think that one of the older Sierra Mist commercials sums it up nicely: It shows a young man getting a pair of icy undergarments from the freezer, putting them around his ankles, and, in one quick movement, pulling them up. Then it says "Yeah, it feels something like that."

Now also available in Diet.
And, sure enough, here comes Vanilla Pepsi.

Vanilla Coke - Hot of the 'minor setback' of New Coke (aka Coke II), those hippies at Coca-Cola are back from the drawing board with Vanilla Coke. If you're fancying a nostalgic look back to a simpler time; Down at the soda fountain / pharmacy, with a Soda Jerk and booths and a jukebox in the corner and shit, wake up and smell the coffin! Welcome to the new millenium and Vanilla Coke tastes nothing like a coke with vanilla. And according to the giant billboard outside my bedroom window, it's now available in diet. Punish your curiosity. Punish it severely.

Dr. Pepper Red Fusion - Anybody who has had the extreme pleasure of dining with me is sure to have noticed that I'm well acquainted with the Doctor. I've stood by ol' Doc through thick and thin. I was there through all those terrible jingles and embarrassing television commercials. I backed him when he claimed Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper when I knew it was lie. I stuck with the DP despite continued advise not to from my dentist. I even beat up that lil' punk-ass Mr. Pibb on one particular occasion. Why would you do this to me, Dr. Pepper? I was committed to you til my teeth hurt, and this is how you repay me? Well, fuck you! You can't push the Red Fusion junk on me, man. Fuck you to hell!

upside down 7-Up - also known as dnL - Here is the exact opposite of my review: Upside Down 7-up is a wonderful idea and I'm delighted I saw it at the Genova deli and did not hesitate to make a purchase. The green coloring is subtle and natural and the whimsical upside down logo is quite amusing. My sandwich was not ruined by the realistic fruit flavoring. I drank the whole bottle without gagging and never felt any nausea whatsoever. This is a well thought out, original product that will ensure financial stability in 7-up for years to come.

some other nasty Mountain Dew variations hit the shelves after this article was published. There is Pitch Black, a grape-like soda that isn't actually black but more of a dark purple, and LiveWire, which I couldn't muster up the courage to taste. Maybe I'll give 'em their own reviews in the future.
Maybe not.

Mountain Dew Code Red - They should call this shit concoction Mountain Dew Atheist; because one taste and there is no God. I knew that this Dew would be the real test of enduranc,. one in which every ounce of strength must be honed and focused to suppress the gag reflex that is inevitable when dealing with a concept so nasty it boggles the mind. All my expectations were fulfilled. From the sickening pink hue to the noxious smell. For the love of everything halfway decent in this fragile world, please let my tongue never taste the terror I have known in Code Red. Why would they invent such a thing? You maniacs.! Damn you! Damn you to hell!

click image for the PepsiBlue Blog!

Pepsi Blue - Before I pontificate upon the physical and psychological consequences of this "berry cola fusion", I would like to review some of the other hits to come from the tiny local company known as Pepsico: If you don't remember Pepsi Light from way back when, you're not alone. Most of these sodas now only exist as rare collectibles. Where was I? Ah, yes, then there was Pepsi Clear, then quickly there wasn't Pepsi Clear. How about the great new taste of Pepsi One? Well, you can be sure to soon add Pepsi Blue to the ever growing list of Pepsi's marketing failures. With a very unnatural color and deeply disturbing flavor, I really can't foresee anybody enjoying this carbonated beverage anywhere, ever. Despite heavy television, radio, and print promotion, I think it is already gone. Maybe it was all a bad dream.

Tropical Sprite Remix - I thought I had tasted the worst bottled bile that the brightest minds at the biggest beverage corporations could ever conjure up. I figured I was in the clear, home free, out of the woods, back from the dark side... I thought my service to save humanity (or at least the chumps who read this zine) from flavors that will make you bite your tongue just for the sweet release of the taste of blood, was concluded. I was wrong. The article was nearly complete and the Nice Guy Journal of Junk Food research laboratory was ready to shut down until I conjure up some other crap to consume for next issue; but then Brian Sodameister steps into my 'office' at 8:15 am on a dismal Monday in late April and drops this bomb on me. Damn him and his commitment to junk food. Fuckin' fruit flavored Sprite - clear in a clear bottle. Truly a flavor straight from Satan himself. I'm pretty much out of clever insults, but stress assured this is yet another nasty soda in a long, long line of nasty sodas I wish I had never heard of. Kill me now.

back to Mr. Nice Guy website

more Soda reviews coming soon: Mountain Dew Baja Blast, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, Pepsi One, Pepsi Edge, C2: Low-Carb Coke, BerryClear Sprite Remix and 7up Citrus something or other.

by Pete Glover ©2003-2005		from Mr. Nice Guy #18: NEW SODA REVIEWS The Nice Guy Journal of Junk Food Research Team collides head-on with some of the new soft drink beverages made available since the last time. Using only the strictest scientific techniques, we bring you indisputable critiques of these unprecedented innovations in bubbly, colored sugar water. "I have decided to omit any type of rating system, for I feel each soda has to be evaluated independently and uniquely. The sodas were reviewed over several days and each with a clear palette. I drank at least 4 oz. of each beverage, poured into a clear glass for enhanced appearance observation. I wrote the reviews during the tasting sessions. I sampled these soft drinks so you wouldn't have to. I'm very serious about this. Do not try this at home. Sincerely, " - Dr. Burns of the Nice Guy Institute

		Pepsi Holiday Spice - Dropping like a piss-poorley planned invasion of a foreign country, Pepsi Holiday Spice swoops in for a limited time in late 2004. Not limited enough if you ask me. And let us not fool ourselves about it being a "holiday" product... this one is all about Christmas, baby. You can take that politically correct bullshit over to Hawaiian Punch. Anyways, this product delivers the nasty flavor you've come to expect from new Pepsi products, plus an extra dash of "spice" to give that extra punch in the throat you deserve for buying this garbage. Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anybody.
		RC Edge - RC presents us all with "Maximum Power Cola", containing caffeine, taurine, and indian ginseng. Prepare for some teeth grinding, cuz this bile will definitely put you on the edge of your seat... the toilet seat, that is. Some seriously nasty flavor here, folks. This shit even smells bad. I'm a pretty big believer in the whole caffeine thing, but the life-enhancing components of this sewage makes for an uncomfortable few hours. Besides, look at these celebrities; We can hardly pay our bills, and they're drinking Royal Crown Cola!
new levels of patheticness: the Diet Coke with Lemon fan club website		Diet Coke with Lemon - This tastes like soap with no discernible flavor of lemon at all. I'm willing to bet you know somebody with an unhealthy Diet Coke habit. If you work in an office building, you probably know several fuckers who've already opened a can of it by 10am. "Oh, I'm trying to cut it back to only 3 a day." They'd probably like this swill. Hell, you're probably one of 'em... reading this with a Diet Coke in your other hand right now. You would probably like this shit! Well, you make me sick. You know that. Sick to my stomach!
click here for promotional bullshit about Pepsi Twist and -wince- Diet Pepsi Twist		Pepsi Twist - Lemon flavored Pepsi, also available in -wince - Diet. You know there are spies between Coca-Cola Inc and PepsiCo, or else that is one amazing fucking coincidence that this shit and Lemon Coke were released in the same month. I'm surprised we didn't see a 7-up with lemon. It tastes like Pepsi, which is to say it tastes of the backwash at the bottom of the dog's bowl. Let us pray that this marks the end of cola plus lemon trend. In summary; The only worse can that could possibly be opened would be the can of whoop-ass I'd be opening on you should I ask for a soda and you give me this piss cocktail.
		Jolt White Lightnin' - First off, this soda isn't white. It is clear. The name "Clear Lightnin" falls a bit flat, doesn't it? How about "Clear and Present Danger" or "I Can Clearly See Your Nuts", or perhaps "Transparent Trauma". I could keep on like this for a while. This is a grape soda that, while not being purple, is nonetheless vile and loathsome. I suppose the flavor is comparable to any other shitty grape soda. And healthy people will be glad to know that this product is made with natural caffeine. Thank goodness, I was getting worried all this soda might be bad for me.
other Jolt flavors include: Original, Electric Blue, Red Eye, Cherry Bomb, and Citrus Climax		Jolt Orange Blast - There was a time when Jolt Cola was this rare thing. Finding a can at some out-of-the-way corner store was the stuff of urban legends. Liquid gold for a twelve-year-old. I guess that's just a bygone era that no one seems to remember except me. So, this shit has a -ahem- flavor somewhere between Tang and Pine-Sol. It was quite an ordeal just getting a few sips down. No deposit; No return. And there are other luminescent colored Jolts as well which you would do well by not consuming. Somebody's poisoned the water-hole.
		Sierra Mist - What ever happened to Surge? Remember those commercials where they yell, "Suuuuuurrrrge!" Whoa, somebody's livin' in the past. Comtemperise, man. Mist is the lemon-lime of the future. It ain't cool, it ain't refreshing, and it ain't ever gonna be tasted by my lips again. And since I'm done telling you what it ain't, then I'll tell you what it am... some extremely unpleasant shit. I think that one of the older Sierra Mist commercials sums it up nicely: It shows a young man getting a pair of icy undergarments from the freezer, putting them around his ankles, and, in one quick movement, pulling them up. Then it says "Yeah, it feels something like that."
Now also available in Diet. And, sure enough, here comes Vanilla Pepsi.		Vanilla Coke - Hot of the 'minor setback' of New Coke (aka Coke II), those hippies at Coca-Cola are back from the drawing board with Vanilla Coke. If you're fancying a nostalgic look back to a simpler time; Down at the soda fountain / pharmacy, with a Soda Jerk and booths and a jukebox in the corner and shit, wake up and smell the coffin! Welcome to the new millenium and Vanilla Coke tastes nothing like a coke with vanilla. And according to the giant billboard outside my bedroom window, it's now available in diet. Punish your curiosity. Punish it severely.
		Dr. Pepper Red Fusion - Anybody who has had the extreme pleasure of dining with me is sure to have noticed that I'm well acquainted with the Doctor. I've stood by ol' Doc through thick and thin. I was there through all those terrible jingles and embarrassing television commercials. I backed him when he claimed Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper when I knew it was lie. I stuck with the DP despite continued advise not to from my dentist. I even beat up that lil' punk-ass Mr. Pibb on one particular occasion. Why would you do this to me, Dr. Pepper? I was committed to you til my teeth hurt, and this is how you repay me? Well, fuck you! You can't push the Red Fusion junk on me, man. Fuck you to hell!
		upside down 7-Up - also known as dnL - Here is the exact opposite of my review: Upside Down 7-up is a wonderful idea and I'm delighted I saw it at the Genova deli and did not hesitate to make a purchase. The green coloring is subtle and natural and the whimsical upside down logo is quite amusing. My sandwich was not ruined by the realistic fruit flavoring. I drank the whole bottle without gagging and never felt any nausea whatsoever. This is a well thought out, original product that will ensure financial stability in 7-up for years to come.
some other nasty Mountain Dew variations hit the shelves after this article was published. There is Pitch Black, a grape-like soda that isn't actually black but more of a dark purple, and LiveWire, which I couldn't muster up the courage to taste. Maybe I'll give 'em their own reviews in the future. Maybe not.		Mountain Dew Code Red - They should call this shit concoction Mountain Dew Atheist; because one taste and there is no God. I knew that this Dew would be the real test of enduranc,. one in which every ounce of strength must be honed and focused to suppress the gag reflex that is inevitable when dealing with a concept so nasty it boggles the mind. All my expectations were fulfilled. From the sickening pink hue to the noxious smell. For the love of everything halfway decent in this fragile world, please let my tongue never taste the terror I have known in Code Red. Why would they invent such a thing? You maniacs.! Damn you! Damn you to hell!
click image for the PepsiBlue Blog!		Pepsi Blue - Before I pontificate upon the physical and psychological consequences of this "berry cola fusion", I would like to review some of the other hits to come from the tiny local company known as Pepsico: If you don't remember Pepsi Light from way back when, you're not alone. Most of these sodas now only exist as rare collectibles. Where was I? Ah, yes, then there was Pepsi Clear, then quickly there wasn't Pepsi Clear. How about the great new taste of Pepsi One? Well, you can be sure to soon add Pepsi Blue to the ever growing list of Pepsi's marketing failures. With a very unnatural color and deeply disturbing flavor, I really can't foresee anybody enjoying this carbonated beverage anywhere, ever. Despite heavy television, radio, and print promotion, I think it is already gone. Maybe it was all a bad dream.
		Tropical Sprite Remix - I thought I had tasted the worst bottled bile that the brightest minds at the biggest beverage corporations could ever conjure up. I figured I was in the clear, home free, out of the woods, back from the dark side... I thought my service to save humanity (or at least the chumps who read this zine) from flavors that will make you bite your tongue just for the sweet release of the taste of blood, was concluded. I was wrong. The article was nearly complete and the Nice Guy Journal of Junk Food research laboratory was ready to shut down until I conjure up some other crap to consume for next issue; but then Brian Sodameister steps into my 'office' at 8:15 am on a dismal Monday in late April and drops this bomb on me. Damn him and his commitment to junk food. Fuckin' fruit flavored Sprite - clear in a clear bottle. Truly a flavor straight from Satan himself. I'm pretty much out of clever insults, but stress assured this is yet another nasty soda in a long, long line of nasty sodas I wish I had never heard of. Kill me now.

back to Mr. Nice Guy website		more Soda reviews coming soon: Mountain Dew Baja Blast, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, Pepsi One, Pepsi Edge, C2: Low-Carb Coke, BerryClear Sprite Remix and 7up Citrus something or other.