STAR WARS EPISODE III:
Disguised as a flannel shirt salesman, I deftly infiltrated the tight security of George Lucas’ Skywalker Ranch and procured a copy of the rough edit of the final installment of the Star Wars prequel sequel trilogy. Episode 3 is slated for release in May of 2005, but Mr. Nice Guy gives you an exclusive look at what is sure to be the biggest film since the last biggest film… ever.
- Full title: Star Wars Episode 3: the Fellowship of the Ring.
- Most exciting moment in entire film is when it starts with exciting Star Wars theme.
- All digitally animated characters played by Tom Hanks.
- Clone Wars end and Anakin becomes Darth Vader during opening text scroll.
- Plot consists mainly of a comprehensive look at the economic underpinnings of moisture farming.
- Obi-wan shaves beard, only to grow it back towards the end of the film.
- Cameo appearance by Harrison Ford as Gary Solo, Han Solo’s grandpappy.
- Vague explanation of why the Imperial forces consist mainly of guys from Great Britain.
- Anakin Skywalker called “Annie” even after transition to the Dark Side.
- Origins of C-3PO’s gayness revealed.
- Senator Bail Organa proposes an amendment to the Trade Federation’s rebuttal to the embargo initiative. After a lengthy investigation and debate, the Senate votes to take a recess.
- R2-D2 instructed to never use his rocket engines to fly again, no matter how helpful it might be.
- Repeated use of the phrase “Bantha Pudoo” throughout movie.
- Somehow Jar-Jar becomes Boba Fett.
- Asian fish-guys bungle around ala Three Stooges.
- Obi-Wan instructs Anakin to “Stop being a whiney little bitch.”
- Introduction of new character, Frodo, an alien from the planet Hobbiton.
- Discovery that Ewoks are just retarded Wookies.
- Failed attempt to digitally insert talent into actress Natilie Portman.
- Jedi Council sits silently in big circle for half an hour.
- Hairstyles slowly progress into late 1970s-era style.
- Sen. Palpatine elected Emperor despite losing popular vote to Sen. Jar-Jar Binks.
- Special appearance by voice of guy who plays Cliff Claven in television’s “Cheers”.
- The Force scientifically proven by Jedi to be a mutation of syphilis.
- No mention of Coruscant, Samuel L. Jackson, Jango Fett, Count Dooku, Liam Neason, metachlorians, Shmi Skywalker, or Darth Maul ever again. Ever.
- Plots holes sloppily filled with 45-minutes scrolling text at end of film.
