So you've decided that your tired of being screwed by the system. You need to pay back that college loan and your utility bills are soaring despite the fact that you've been using the old-fashioned style can opener instead of the electric one. As in Anothony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange, "If you need a motorcar, you pluck one from the trees. If you want pretty polly, you take it." Warning: Stealing is wrong! You will burn in hell and eventually get in a heap of trouble. And take advisment: once you justify stealing from large stores (which this article is about to do), it is a simple step to justifying all types of theft. And when you do get caught, you lowlife scum, don't you dare blame Mr. Nice Guy for suggesting you steal. This article was explicitly written for the purposes of fun and novelty. Also, never ever steal from individuals, regardless of how evil they may be. And take it easy on private, "mom and pop" style establishments. Thanks. Almost all of the information in this here article was gathered from two sources: How to Steal Food from the Supermarket by J. Andrew Anderson (available from Loompanics) and a video called Shoplift Literate that had the word "Shark's" written on it. I can only imagine it was stolen, in a fit of irony, from Shark's Thrift in Berkeley. The video, designed to educate businesses about shoplifting techniques, serves as an excellent introduction on the fundamental and specific shoplifting techniques. Your host: former professional shoplifter Mr. Bill Guada. But before Bill breaks it down on How, lets findout.....
Where to steal: This all depends on what you need and how easy it is to get. The rewards are often proportional to the security. Taking some paperclips from the hardware store has much less risk than a stereo from the Good Guys. If your'e in it for the thirlls, I suggest you go skydiving or something. Shoplifting for kicks was out with high school. Make your stealing a political statement. Instead of buying food from a farmers market (which you should do), steal your food from Safeway. It isn't theft, it's civil disobediance. If you need more justification, just remember that Safeway has got you covered. Pilferage is compensated for in the overhead as part of "shrinkage", which is mostly food spoilage anyway. Besides, Fuck Safeway, and the Gap and Tower Records and Blockbuster and Ross and Macy's and Foot Locker and Copeland's and all the others. Profiteering bastards!
Security: usually consists of guards, surveilance, and alarms. Rent-a-cops are easy to avoid if you don't arouse suspicion, but remember to watch out for undercover security and righteous citizens. Video cameras are a bit tougher. Many cameras are fakes, so you just have to make a judgement call. Is the store money enough to hire people to monitor and record all the video? Either way, keep your back to 'em just to be safe. Mirrors can work for you in the "You can't see me if I can't see you" sense. And remember, the silver in on the front of a two-way mirror, and behind a sheet of glass on a reuglar mirror. As far as alarms go, if you must steal from these stores, invest in a tiny clipper for security tags. You'll likely need a little privacy to remove hidden tags (like in the bindings of books). Always bring money. If you can't play dumb ("I was gonna pay for it."), maybe you can pull a bribe-move. What to wear: Don't be conspicuous. This is the one time in your life you don't want to be noticed so dress nice and keep them tattoos covered. Dress for the season. Huge winter coats are great for stealing but a bit suspicious in the summer. Good clothes for shoplifting are pants loose in the waist, a t-shirt with a loose collared shirt over it. For bigger items, a jacket. Keep it clean cut and most importantly, look like you're gonna spend money. Shopping lists and bags are a big help. And be quiet and polite. This is all obvious stuff here, people, so prepare to steal!
