Now it's time to get to the good stuff. Again, this entire article was written for amusement and we at Nice Guy strongly urge you to pay for your products....

How to Steal: This is hardcore merchandise manipulation, and you will go to jail if you get caught. So here is how not to get caught: Move the merchandise to another part of the store before you conceal it. It's that simple. Never, ever take an item from the shelf into you pocket or jacket or whatever. If your stealing a tube of paint, put it in your basket, nice and innocent like, and stroll on over the canvas section. Keep in mind that aisles that contain huge and hard-to-shoplift items are rarely watched closely. The paper-towel aisle in the supermarket is almost always empty. That's Rule 1: Move the item before concealing it. Almost as obvious but equally important is Rule 2: Remove the product from any packaging. This both aids in ease of concealment. Plus, if you are caught later on, you can always claim that you brought the item with you into the store. Rule 2 applies well to Health and Beauty products. Make sure to hide the discarded packaging behind items in an unrelated aisle. Be warned that eventually your discarded packaging will be found so it's likely the store will know what products are being racked on a regular basis. This means don't always steal the smae product from the same store, gnome sane.

Before we get on to how to conceal the goods, some extra tips: The least suspicious people to security are old folks and couples. Groups of girls or guys may be conspicuous. Stealing with a partner can work well with a 'look-out' technique while one person conceals products. You can also 'nest-build' with a partner: one person gets the merchandise and stashes it somewhere out of the way, and someone else conceals it. No one will suspect a steak theif who never went anywhere near the meat display. Sorry kids, but youngsters are always suspect unless with a parent.

Having a shopping list will be your biggest tool to looking like a legitimate shopper. Also, stealing some valuable items while purchasing something cheap demonstrates you have an agenda of spending rather than stealing. Another technique to fitting in is to ask a clerk where something is or how much something costs. This is a switcheroo move, because normal shoplifters want not to be noticed, you are being noticed. This works best in a busy store with lots of people asking for help, but can backfire easily, so use with caution. Oh yeah, this one is so obvious I almost forgot about it: If the store has a bathroom that you can use, for crying out loud use it! Just be careful cause security is watching the shitter like a hawk for suspicious characters just like you.

Concealing the Goods: Also known as "Body Stuffing", this is how to stash the products on you and walk on out the store. First of all, practice at home first, dummy. Time yourself, watch yourself in a mirror. Not only do you have to hide the goods on you, you have to be able to walk out the door without arousing suspicion. Unless you are Frankenstein, walking out with rigid arms and a stiff back won't look normal. Be prepared and practice at home.

Aside from your pants or coat pockets, the waistband of your pants is the best place to hide merchandise. You can conceal pretty large items either in front or in the back, or both. This is where the loose pants and untucked shirt play the key role. You'll likely have to suck in that gut or arch your back a bit, which can make walking a bit awkward. Practice at home. To steal clothes, roll 'em up and stuff 'em down. Another goldmine of concealment is the armpits. Remember, the items will fall if you raise your arms so learn how to push open doors with you feet or hip. Another pocket, a huge one, can be created by wearing a button-up shirt that is tied tight around your waist, then a jacket above. Bill Guada demonstrates the capacity of this 'back-pocket' by concealing a VCR in there. Not bad. You can custom make secret pockets in a jacket or coat as well. A coat over your arm or a newspaper can be very helpful for stealing many items, particularly records. Also, you can use 'box tricks'. Prepare a box that is easy to open by cutting away and making a flap of one side. It helps if it is a box from another nearby store and you have a receipt. If security sees you come in with a sealed box and leave with a sealed box (complete with receipt taped to it), no one will be the wiser. Fedex boxes are also good for this. And always try to get bags of the store your stealing from.

You can also conceal items inside cheaper items you buy. Film stashes well in potato salad. And for the kids, you can put a can of beer in a BigGulp and surround it with soda. Be creative and you'll get what you want, no problem at all. Remember - move that item before stashing.

Busted: So, despite all my help, you still get busted. What to do now? Throw a fit! Get indignant! Threaten to sue! If you're a woman, claim sexual harassment! Get loud and intimidate whoever is busting you! Make sure you are busted before acting up. Also, if you have the money to pay for the item (plus a bit extra), security may let you slide with a warning, even if you are obviously stealing. Before you freak out on someone, remember that people often carry items like cigarettes, gum, and pens into stores with them. Good luck. Remember, you are going to hell for stealing so share the wealth!

reprinted from Mr. Nice Guy 16